Hey Everyone!
Sorry for not writing for the last couple of months, I've been really busy.
I have reread the last two posts, and I realized that i didn't go into why my friends mean so much to me. Like I've said, they were practically my family. We were always there for each other, and there was always a helping hand or a listening ear. After moving to Portland, I have relized that I miss having that, and I've also relized that my family is bigger than it seems. I don't just have Aaron, Ariel, Kenzie, Sydney, Hannah, and Taylor. I have, (prepare yourself for a long list, because I feel that that is the only way for me to show how much I love and miss all these people) Mr. Terrell, Mr. Ault, Mrs. Eoff, Mrs. Cerna, Mrs. Smith, Tyler, Ethan, Emily, Brendon (surprising), Josh, Dylan, Carter, Tre, Alina, Kater Tots, Eli, Aleks (again surprising), Lucie, Taylor P., Taylor U., Delaney, DeLaney, Lexi, Baylee, Katie, Steve, Sydney, Alexia, Andi, Haliegh, Miranda, Ashley, Andre, and so many more. The point is, is that I didn't choose my biological family, but I chose this family, the family that I am proud of calling my family. But let's get back to the story, before I start crying my eyes out.
In October of 2012, I started dating this guy named Christian. He is really smart, and goofy, and just full of energy, there were very rare times that I saw him without energy. We dated until about mid- March. He was a great boyfriend ( but as we all know they have their flaws) , I just wasn't in a good place towards the end to continue to date him.... Or at least that's what I keep on telling myself. The truth is that I got bored, and I started to flirt a crush on other guys. I broke it off with him, for both our sakes. It wasn't fair to him. Anyway, a few days after breaking it off with him, I had asked Sydney and Kenzie to ask Ethan out for me, because I am a CHICKEN!!!! I was too scared to ask him out myself, and I am not afraid to tell you that. Ethan looks like a bad boy, but in reality he has one of the biggest hearts. Ethan said no. I was okay with that...kinda, I mean my pride was a little hurt, but i got over it. Chris and I tried to be friends, but it was hard for both of us to get over eachother. So Kenzie told Chris to stay away from me, because i was too chicken to tell him myself. But I'm slowly working on not being such a chicken. That day wasn't the best day of my life, but looking back on it just makes me feel even worse (as River Song always says "Spoilers! "). Eli is one of Chris and I's mutual friends. He sat with me at lunch,even though I told him he didn't have to, and that he was more Chris` friend then mine. That is when Eli told me something very important... He told me that Chris is a big boy, and he can handle himself. Even though deep down I knew he was right, I couldn't see past the hurt that I cause Chris. When Kenzie told him to get lost, it was while we were in lunch line. Chris had been pissed, and was even crying a little. All throughout lunch, I would catch him looking at me with a sad stink eye. And when I didn’t catch him doing it, I could feel it. It was the worst feeling ever. A few days later, Mrs. Eoff my history teacher, and I had a conversation, because apparently she had caught Chris writing in his notebook, saying that he was so sad that he wanted to commit suicide, becuase he couldnt see the point in life anymore without me... Which thankfully he later admited to that being stupid. So I got the to have that lovely discussion with her.... Oy..... About a week after that, I got a Facebook message from Chris, explaining that he was un-friending me along with a poem he wrote expressing his feeling and our relationship. I soon forwarded the message to Kenzie and Sydney. We had a one hour phone conversation after that trying to decipher the poem, and we couldn’t help but laugh. Not because it was funny, but because I was just so utterly flabbergasted and confused that I couldn’t take it seriously for a while. I then replied with a bad poem.... So bad I can't post it... He and I didnt talk for a good two months or so. But that was a good thing, becuase after I moved, he started dating a girl named Shay. At first I thought "Good for him", but then shortly after, I got a sharp ping in my soul... He was finally over me. I had lied to myself up to that point, I wasn’t over him. I wasnt in love with him, and I couldn’t stand being friends with him, because i was just annoyed with everything he said to me. But I wasn’t over him. Love is a weird thing...
That wasn't the only thing going on in my love life. A little after I moved, (about a week later) I realized I missed everyone, but I realized I really missed Eli in particular. So after debating with myself for a month or so, I texted him telling him so. To my surprise, he liked me back. I was so mad at myself for not realizing it sooner.... The signs were all there! The advice he had given me about breaking up with Christian, prior to actually breaking up with him; The advice he gave me the day I actually broke up with Chris, and the fact that he sat with me during lunh that day; the way he hugged me and wouldn’t let go the last time I walked into Mrs. Eoff's class; and over all just the way he interacted with me, as subtle as it was. Since confining in eachother about our feelings, we've talked and stayed good friends. But we can't do anything about our feelings. So I guess the question now is whether or not these feelings are worth having. Since I am unsure what to do about this, it can't hurt to say what I like about him, can it? I think that he is attractive, in that boyish way; he is funny, he has given me some of the best advice that i could ever ask for; he is really talented on the stage; he is smart; he gives the best hugs ever!; he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry; I can be completly honest with him, and he doesnt judge me; he accepts me for who I am, and he doesn't try to change me; and this is going to sound really cheesy, but I dont know how my life would be without him.
So I guess that is everything on this subject for now.....
"If someone is meant to be yours, eventually they will be." ~Unknown
Thanks for reading! I will try to post more soon!
~Amanda
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