I'm going to be brief and simple with this post.
Ever since I found out that Jason wasn't my father, I have struggled with father figures. I have had so many it's ridiculous. There was Jason (who, as we know wasn't all great.), then Jerome (issues there too to an extent), then Jake (started out terrific, and went down hill from there, at least in my view), then Jason the second (lol)(he wasn't.even really a father figure, he was just a guy my mom.edu dating), and now Adam (So far so good).Not to mention the male family members such as my grandfather, and maybe even my uncle. Part of me is glad that, while these men are in my life, they have been there for me, but other days, I am just like (excuse the language) "Fuck this!".
I don't know if I have mentioned this, but sometime about last spring, I got in contact (via email) with my biological father Alex. I was so excited to finally talk to him. Ever since I found out that I want related to Jason, I wondered who my dad was. But the conversations with Alex went from being casual small talk, and me trying to connect with him, to me asking a the big question of "Why did you leave?" (granted I asked that after a few months of talking). When I asked him this, he told me that I wasn't old enough to understand. Translation: it's not that I'm not old enough to understand, is that he isn't ready to tell me. For me this was frustrating, because even though it would be cool to meet him, I honestly think that I am better off without him in my life, making it more complicated. Or maybe that is just my sensible side talking, I don't know. What I do know is that all I want is answers, and when he told me I want old enough, I got hurt and defensive. Because, even though now I understand what he meant by that, at the time it was like "wtf, you don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of understanding, or what I'm ready for.". I told him so in more words than that, I haven't heard from him since that last email I sent in mid-June.
I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one in a situation like this. But I know I'm not. I know there are probably thousands of children out there just like me. Part of me wonders if I came off to strong, but the other part of me justifies coming off strong, because he wasn't ever there. He didn't fight for me. He knew about me all this time, and never once did he try to contact me or fight for me. He knew about me all this time, and he is still not ready to tell me why he left.
Now I'm going to tell you something I haven't even told my own mother. I haven't told anybody this, mainly because it's stupid, and I don't even think I want a father figure or potential step-dad to give it to me. But anyway, I saw this little ring in the shape of a crown on Pinterest, and it's traditionally for a father to give to his daughter on her 16th birthday, to show that she will always be his little princess. I'll never be anyones little princess. I'll never have memories of sitting on my fathers lap as a young child, and falling asleep in his arms. I'm coming to terms with that, but it's still hard, even street all these years...
I'm sure I'll write about this more, but I don't think I can write anymore right now, and I'm already past brief.
"Don't forgive him, forgive yourself for believing there is something lacking in you because he wasn't there." ~ Iyanla Vanzant
Thanks for reading!
~ Amanda
There is a lot going on in my life. Just know that much. I just need to vent and rant. I think this blog will help. I can put my feelings, and my thoughts into words. I warn you now, not everything I write makes complete sense, I'm just hoping that someone, somewhere out in this large world will understand. This is my version of the story of my life. This is what I remember.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Daddy Issues
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