Portland

      Hey everyone!
      So today I'm going to write about Portland, and my experiences here. It's a great city, at first glance. It has some issues though, like any major city would. But let's leave the cons for later. The pros: it's beautiful here. It has a fairly good mix of people, and if you like hipsters, St. Johns is where you should be. I love the malls here, they are so new and fresh, and for the most part easy to navigate. The good here is amazing! Granted I have yet to have any Filipino food yet :(.    
      Now for the cons: the city has very little police, there is generally a 15-30minute wait, even in emergencies. I am it's December, and as most of you may know, I'm still not in school, because PPS (Portland Public Schools) was very show on getting my school application, and approving it, then they didn't believe that my mom was my mom, because she had a didn't last name then I do, and now they want me to get the chicken pox vaccination. I am so tired of not being in school. I am tired of my "summer break" that had lasted for 9 months now. I have come to terms with the fact that I will not be graduating high school the same time as my friends in both Illinois and Arkansas. If it was up to me, next year I would take both freshman and sophomore classes, so I can catch up to everyone else. Anyway, back to the main topic. Three other thing about Portland, is that there are a lot of closeted racists here. What I mean is, they say back handed comments about a person, that are consisted racist, and people don't stand up foot one another, even though they know what that first person said was wrong. Back east and back south, people are openly racist, and even though racists in general bother me, I'd rather be dealing with those types of people then with these closeted folk. The other thing to about Portland, is that there is a lot of blame, and a lot of covering ones own ass. So nothing gets done productively. Blah! I hate talking about this!
      Since I've been here, I have been to many cool places. A few of my favorites, other than the mall, is this restaurant called "The TARDIS Room", which I think you can guess why it's awesome. There are some really good doughnuts here too, from a place called Voodoo Doughnuts. I have been to some cool yarn shops, and paper shops. My favorite districts have to be Alphabet District and German Town, because they have really cool architecture, and awesome shops. Can you tell I our to shop? Sadly, I think that's all I have to say about Portland so far.
      Instead of a quote, I'm going to give you some pictures of Oregon. A few I found on pinterest, but the last two I took myself. :)
Thanks for reading!
-Amanda

Moving

     Hey guys, I know that in my last post I was a little all over the place, so I'm going to try and stay on task, and to going in the proper order, and stay on timeline,(if that makes sense).
  It was a week before state tests, and things financially weren't working out in Arkansas. I lived with one of my best friends Taylor on and off for about two months. The electricity and gas, and water kept getting shut off. Not to mention the car wouldn't have enough gas. It was the most frustrating thing. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep in my own bed, in my own room. Eat my own food that was in my cabinets. Although it was fun living with Taylor and her family, I felt like a guest. Which is fine, its just I knew that living there was going to end. It wasn't stable.

        A month after getting everything turned back on, and everything back to normal, my mom and Jason (the second one) had broken up... Now what I'm about to tell you is one of the hardest things I've ever had to talk about or even go through. My mom attempted to take her own life, through drug overdose. She didn't succeed, because her body just adjusted to the medication. That is just how depressed she was about this break up. 

        A few days later, she finally told me. Followed by that, She told me that we were moving to Portland, OR, that weekend. THAT WEEKEND!!!!!! I was distraught. I wasn't ready to just pick up and leave yet. I had tests the next week. Taylor just left to finish her last quarter in school in Hungary. My friends and I made plans for Taylor's welcome back party, and plans for my birthday. It was just one thing after another. Just that week, I had gotten Mr. Terrell's phone number, in case I needed a ride to school or something, or if I was freaking out. Right then, it seemed like a good time to use that number. I asked him to call me, via text message, and after a phone call with him, we decided to meet during lunch to go more into the details. It would have been my last lunch at school as a student. I called all of my best friends, besides Taylor, (because she was practically unreachable for the entire time she was out of the country, and she still kind of is.) and I told them what was going on. They were as distraught as I was. When I moved to Arkansas, I wasn't excited, but I was ready. I knew it was happening, and I had time to say goodbye. I only lived in Arkansas for 9 months, but with the friends I made it was like I knew them all my life. It was one of the hardest transitions I have ever had to go through.

        The next day, I had some hard conversations with my teachers and with my friends. It was so emotional. That Saturday, Kenzie and Sydney came over to help pack the house up. Kenzie went home, and Sydney stayed the night. by Sunday afternoon, we were all packed up. But then... It started raining. We didn't leave until Monday night. On Monday, I went back to school, to have one final lunch with my friends, and to say my final goodbyes. As I walked out, I had to do my very best to smile, and to say goodbye.

        We put the boxes on the roof, and packed up the animals and the car. We left Arkansas around 7:30pm. We drove through the night, and a day and a half later, we got to The Rocky Mountains in Colorado. We went through the park, and then decided to stay at a motel so we could get a good nights sleep. That was the most fun I had in a while. I loved the beauty of the scenery. It was awesome, and I can't wait to go again. 

                                                      Here is a few photos from the trip.

           

Me eating the best burger with green bean fries ever!

        We finally got to Portland, the following Friday. Mom took a nap, and then we got settled in. A fairly lazy day over all. On Saturday, I went with Mary, and her friend Adam, to Adam's parents house to do some archery. I was nervous, because even though I've done archery before, I wasn't sure that I was ready to be meeting three new people that day. I had fun though.But moving to Portland wasn't easy. I was really depressed for a long time. I still kind of am. But I am seeing a therapist, and that helps a lot. And that was the beginnings to my adventure in Portland.

        "You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with, so be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down..." ~Unknown

Thanks for reading!

~Amanda

Daddy Issues

I'm going to be brief and simple with this post.
      Ever since I found out that Jason wasn't my father, I have struggled with father figures. I have had so many it's ridiculous. There was Jason (who, as we know wasn't all great.), then Jerome (issues there too to an extent), then Jake (started out terrific, and went down hill from there, at least in my view), then Jason the second (lol)(he wasn't.even really a father figure, he was just a guy my mom.edu dating), and now Adam (So far so good).Not to mention the male family members such as my grandfather, and maybe even my uncle. Part of me is glad that, while these men are in my life, they have been there for me, but other days, I am just like (excuse the language) "Fuck this!".
      I don't know if I have mentioned this, but sometime about last spring, I got in contact (via email) with my biological father Alex. I was so excited to finally talk to him. Ever since I found out that I want related to Jason, I wondered who my dad was. But the conversations with Alex went from being casual small talk, and me trying to connect with him, to me asking a the big question of "Why did you leave?" (granted I asked that after a few months of talking). When I asked him this, he told me that I wasn't old enough to understand. Translation: it's not that I'm not old enough to understand, is that he isn't ready to tell me. For me this was frustrating, because even though it would be cool to meet him, I honestly think that I am better off without him in my life, making it more complicated. Or maybe that is just my sensible side talking, I don't know.              What I do know is that all I want is answers, and when he told me I want old enough, I got hurt and defensive. Because, even though now I understand what he meant by that, at the time it was like "wtf, you don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of understanding, or what I'm ready for.". I told him so in more words than that, I haven't heard from him since that last email I sent in mid-June.
      I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one in a situation like this. But I know I'm not. I know there are probably thousands of children out there just like me. Part of me wonders if I came off to strong, but the other part of me justifies coming off strong, because he wasn't ever there. He didn't fight for me. He knew about me all this time, and never once did he try to contact me or fight for me. He knew about me all this time, and he is still not ready to tell me why he left.
      Now I'm going to tell you something I haven't even told my own mother. I haven't told anybody this, mainly because it's stupid, and I don't even think I want a father figure or potential step-dad to give it to me. But anyway, I saw this little ring in the shape of a crown on Pinterest, and it's traditionally for a father to give to his daughter on her 16th birthday, to show that she will always be his little princess. I'll never be anyones little princess. I'll never have memories of sitting on my fathers lap as a young child, and falling asleep in his arms. I'm coming to terms with that, but it's still hard, even street all these years...
      I'm sure I'll write about this more, but I don't think I can write anymore right now, and I'm already past brief.
      "Don't forgive him, forgive yourself for believing there is something lacking in you because he wasn't there." ~ Iyanla Vanzant
Thanks for reading!
~ Amanda

Friends pt. 2 & My Dating Life - Because I Just Have to Get It Out of the Way

Hey Everyone! 
Sorry for not writing for the last couple of months,  I've  been really busy.
        I have reread  the last two posts, and I realized  that i didn't go into why my friends mean so much to me. Like I've said,  they were practically my family. We were always there for each other, and there was always a helping hand or a listening ear.  After moving to Portland, I have relized that I miss having that,  and I've also relized that my family is bigger than it seems.  I don't just have Aaron, Ariel, Kenzie, Sydney, Hannah,  and Taylor.  I have, (prepare yourself for a long list,  because I feel that that is the only way for me to show how much I love and miss all these people) Mr. Terrell, Mr. Ault, Mrs. Eoff,  Mrs. Cerna, Mrs. Smith, Tyler, Ethan, Emily, Brendon (surprising), Josh,  Dylan, Carter, Tre, Alina, Kater Tots, Eli,  Aleks (again surprising), Lucie, Taylor P.,  Taylor U., Delaney,  DeLaney, Lexi,  Baylee,  Katie, Steve, Sydney,  Alexia, Andi, Haliegh, Miranda,  Ashley, Andre, and so many more. The point is, is that I didn't choose my biological family, but I chose this family, the family that I am proud of calling my family.  But let's get back to the story, before I start crying my eyes out.
        In October of 2012, I started dating this guy named Christian.  He is really smart, and goofy,  and just full of energy, there were very rare times that I saw him without energy.  We dated until about mid- March. He was a great boyfriend ( but as we all know they have their flaws) , I just wasn't in a good place towards the end to continue to date him.... Or at least that's what I keep on telling myself. The truth is that I got bored,  and I started to flirt a crush on other guys. I broke it off with him, for both our sakes. It wasn't fair to him. Anyway, a few days after breaking it off with him,  I had asked Sydney and Kenzie to ask Ethan out for me,  because  I am a CHICKEN!!!! I was too scared to ask him out myself,  and I am not afraid to tell you that. Ethan looks like a bad boy,  but in reality he has one of the biggest hearts.  Ethan said no. I was okay with that...kinda,  I mean my pride was a little hurt,  but i got  over it. Chris and I tried to be friends,  but it was hard for both of us to get over eachother.  So Kenzie told Chris to stay away from me, because i was too chicken to tell him myself. But I'm slowly working on not being such a chicken. That day wasn't the best day of my life,  but looking back on it just makes me feel even worse (as River Song always says "Spoilers! "). Eli is one of Chris and I's mutual friends. He sat with me at lunch,even though I told him he didn't have to,  and that he was more Chris` friend then mine.   That is when Eli told me something very important...  He told me that Chris is a big boy, and he can handle himself.  Even though deep down I knew he was right,  I couldn't see past the hurt that I cause Chris.  When Kenzie told him to get lost,  it was while  we were in lunch line.  Chris had been pissed,  and was even crying a little. All throughout lunch,  I would catch him looking at me with a sad stink eye.  And when I didn’t catch him doing it, I could feel it.  It was the worst feeling ever. A few days later,  Mrs. Eoff my history teacher, and I had a conversation, because apparently she had caught Chris writing in his notebook, saying that he was so sad that he wanted to commit suicide, becuase he couldnt see the point in life anymore without me... Which thankfully he later admited to that being stupid. So I got the to have that lovely discussion with her.... Oy..... About a week after that,  I  got a Facebook message from Chris, explaining that he was un-friending me along  with a poem he wrote expressing his feeling and our relationship. I soon forwarded the  message to Kenzie  and Sydney.  We had a one hour phone conversation after that trying to decipher the poem,  and we couldn’t help but laugh. Not because it was funny, but because I was just so utterly  flabbergasted and confused that I  couldn’t take it seriously for a while. I then replied with a bad poem.... So bad I can't  post it...  He and I didnt talk for a good two months or so. But that was a good thing,  becuase after I moved,  he started dating a girl named Shay.  At first I thought "Good for him",  but then shortly after,  I got a sharp ping in my soul... He was finally over me.  I had lied to myself up to that point,  I wasn’t over him. I wasnt in love with him,  and I couldn’t stand being friends with him,  because i was just annoyed with everything he said to me. But I wasn’t over him. Love is a weird thing... 

        That wasn't the only thing going on in my love life.  A little after I moved, (about a week later) I realized I missed everyone,  but I realized I really missed Eli in particular. So after debating with myself for a month or so,  I texted him telling him so. To my surprise, he liked me back. I was so mad at myself for not realizing it sooner.... The signs were all there! The advice he had given me about breaking up with Christian, prior to actually breaking up with him; The advice he gave me the day I actually broke up with Chris,  and the fact that he sat with me during lunh that day; the way he hugged me and wouldn’t let go the last time I walked into Mrs. Eoff's class; and over all just the way he interacted with me,  as subtle as it was. Since confining in eachother about our feelings,  we've talked and stayed good friends.  But we can't do anything about our feelings.  So I guess the question now is whether or not these feelings are worth having.  Since I am unsure what to do about this, it can't hurt to say what I like about him,  can it? I think that he is attractive, in that boyish way; he is funny, he has given me some of the best advice that i could ever ask for; he is really talented on the stage; he is smart; he gives the best hugs ever!; he makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry; I can be completly honest with him, and he doesnt judge me; he accepts me for who I am, and he doesn't try to change me; and this is going to sound really cheesy, but I dont know how my life would be without him. 
        So I guess that is everything on this subject for now.....

"If someone is meant to be yours, eventually they will be." ~Unknown
Thanks for reading! I will try to post more soon!
~Amanda